The words of Brittney Spears, “oops, I did it again” come readily to mind.
I’m not going to beat myself up about it, but I’m certainly disappointed that I let myself talk ME into, “just a little”. Ugh!
Here’s what went down. I’m sitting on the couch relaxing after another long, busy day at work, TOTALLY UNAWARE that I’m about to get turned upside down!
My husband was on the phone with his sister discussing the intricate and world changing events surrounding Christmas and WHEN we all would be celebrating it. We started to have Christmas dinner here at our house 3 or so years ago. We used to do Thanksgiving, but his sister has a 7 year old and she couldn’t give him every drop of her attention on Christmas Day because she was too busy preparing for company. I really didn’t care either way so now it’s here.
Anyhoo…..her oldest son works that day as does my son, who is a fireman, HOWEVER, my boys have a tradition with their dads family EVERY Christmas Eve since they were born so they won’t be able to be here Christmas Eve anyway, but his sister INSISTS it has to be Christmas Eve so her son and his girlfriend can be here. Again, whatever, we will figure it out.
So back to sitting here, minding my own beeswax…..I’m on FB and a message pops into my inbox. It’s my niece and she MESSAGES me on FB that my 1/2 sister had passed away just a couple hours ago. I’m like, WTF?? I was stunned into silence and told my husband, who was still on the phone with the President of Christmas, “Kerri died today”. He’s like, who’s Kerri? …then OH, jeez!
She is the oldest daughter of my dad and was 8 years older than me. We all grew up together, that is until my dad died when I was 9, then she kinda just dropped off my radar. I was only 9 and she was 17 so it wasn’t like we were ‘hang out’ buddies.
She came to my wedding reception when I was married the first time (jeez, that sounds weird, however, only on my second and final marriage and 13 years in, things are great😄). We took a few pics of the 3 sisters (I have a full blooded sister as well), but once again, I really didn’t know her all that well. I think the last time I saw her was at my brothers funeral, which was her full blooded brother and that was 14 years ago. I’ve always thought of him as my brother and not 1/2 brother because he came to live with us when he was 13. His mother couldn’t handle him and sent him to my dad to straighten out and Mike and I were very close despite the fact that he was 7 years older than me. She lives in the same town as my sister, which is about 220 miles from here and we didn’t get over that way much. Anytime we saw her she would dredge up the past and talk about how “daddy” abandoned her for his new family (which he didn’t).
So, regardless of how well I knew her or not, she was still my relative and was only 57 and now was dead, along with my dad and brother. She had been fighting breast cancer, but I didn’t realize it was that bad.
i just kind of sat here stunned and thought I better call my mom before my niece messaged her or something. She had just found out from my sister and was pretty upset. I talked to her for a few minutes then all these weird thoughts rushed in, like, shouldn’t I be more sad, why do I feel nothing, oh wait, here it comes, I feel regretful that I’m not more sad, regretful that didn’t know her better, sad that my dads daughter died (weird thought I know) and my brothers sister and now they were all together again. I dunno….just a bunch of thoughts. I decided to go take a bath and soak, but FIRST, I needed a drink. Ugh! I knew we had Bailey’s in the cupboard because I had been fantasizing about for the past 10 days so I poured a glass and headed for the tub where I totally broke down in private. I don’t know why I felt I couldn’t cry in front of my husband, but I just tried to hide it. I think I felt like a hypocrite since I didn’t really know her and he had only met her once. Anyway I had my Baileys and a good soak and went to bed.
Well, that was all it took, because I had a BOTTLE of wine on Friday and a BOTTLE of wine on Saturday and finished the Bailey’s yesterday. Guess I’ll be emptying out the Patron jar with my 10 hard earned crystals and start over 😖. My justification to myself (not that I need one do I?) is I was stressed, upset and overwhelmed. Things have been SUPER busy at the store, in addition to my real job and that is why I caved. It doesn’t matter the reason. I just need to put it behind me and move forward….again….
i really wasn’t avoiding coming here to write, but maybe I was. I’m a bit ashamed of my misstep, but it had been on my mind so much wondering if I could moderate, etc. turns out I can’t….unless a bottle a day is moderation! Lol
So back to day one….back to work. Thank goodness it’s only a 3 day week and Chriztmas is almost over. I am more in the spirit since wrapping yesterday and I am excited about the gifts I got the boys, brad and my parents so I’m looking forward to that. I love giving and they all appreciate me so I guess that’s all I need.
Here’s to day one….again!
oh, and I just remembered. One of my clients sent a bottle of peppermint schnapps to us on Friday so I had to sample that as well. It would have been rude not to right? 😉
“Back on track Roxy” is over and out.