4 days past the dreaded 10 day mark!! :)

Well, I made it past day 10 that had tripped me up twice before so I’m pretty happy with that! I’m only on day 15, but I can feel a shift in my thinking and it is shifting in the right direction of NOT drinking and craving the wine so much!

I’ve found that sparkling apple cider and other ‘sparkling’ drinks can satisfy the craving for the real stuff so I’ve stocked up on that for the time being. My favorite so far is the apple cider! I made a couple of simple syrups to add to my plain sparkling water to add a bit of flavor and I have always loved kombucha so I’ve stocked up on that as well in some of my favorite flavors! IMG_0107

I also feel much calmer in the face of incredible stress at times. Last week had to be one of my most stressful weeks since Christmas time and I felt as though I handled it much more calmly than if I had been drinking. I didn’t really even think about hitting the bottle to deal with it. I just kind of plowed through it and got to the other side of it. I treated myself this weekend to a lot of R&R, had my boys over for a family dinner on Saturday night and watched quite a bit of Netflix! 😀

We discovered a series called Narcos which was very enlightening about a drug lord from Columbia. It was amazing how one man could hold so much influence over others anyhow ruthless that world is. The only reason he had so much influence, power and money is because of the addiction others had to the drugs he supplied! Very scary indeed!

Back to work today though and looking forward to it! I’m going to set up my crystal grid at work with my intentions clearly written down and see what magic happens with that. I LOVE my crystals, stones, oils, herbs, etc. and I want to put all of that to work in my life as well. I alsoordered some life and business planning workbooks and I am in LOVE with the format of them along with the concept and the person who put them all together. Her name is Leonie Dawson and I honestly LOVE her style. It is a good and fun way to focus on other things other than staying sober and people swear by the magic that comes from the goal setting ideas and planning the books encourage.

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This is one of my all time favorite rock finds. Actually my husband found it on the shore of a lake near the site of a major earthquake that occurred in the 1950’s. There is a key on one side and a keyhole on the other side. I will be using this rock in my grid.

So for today and now all is well on planet Roxy IMG_4134

and I plan on keeping that way!

Take care all and have a great Monday!

 

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Weird day!

Man, I’ve never had my computer act up like it did today! It was doing all sorts of weird stuff and wouldn’t run right for me at all. I am seriously wondering if it was drunk! Lol

Other than the stress of fixing my computer and 2 others it was a good day, really no thoughts of wanting a drink and tonight I’m dead dog tired. So now day three is behind me and I’m ready for a good nights sleep.

I do find that reading the blogs helps so much and there are a lot of us out there to learn from and gather strength from so that makes me feel really good.

this is going to be short and sweet because I’m bushed. Night all….on to a successful day 4.

Well, hello again…

Well, I don’t know if I’ve been lazy, embarrassed, ashamed or all of the above, but I’ve been very absent from my blog so now I’m back with the good, the bad and the ugly truth. I lost my grip on day 10 the first time and I’ve slipped up quite a bit lately after restarting again on Jan. 1. The weird thing is I kind of just decided to start again on the 1st after an embarrassing Christmas Eve mishap and honestly I really didn’t think about the days or how many it had been then SOMETHING happened on day 8 and I just thought I would have a smidge. I had WAY too much and basically continued throughout the weekend ending up on Sunday night falling asleep/passing out in the bathtub! OMG….WHY do I do this?? I felt so shitty on Monday I wanted to punch myself in the face for wasting an entire day on something so stupid. It was my day off and I was planning on getting tons done, but I didn’t get 1/2 of what I wanted to do because I felt so crappy! WHY do I do it….seriously….WHY!?

So here I am again on day 2…again determined to make it past day 10. Ugh….

I NEED to blog to stay accountable, I NEED to read and re-read the blogs of those who have been on the journey longer than I so I can solidify in my mind the fact that I CAN do this and I will SUCCEED. it sucks that it’s so hard, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right?

I NEED to tell more people so they can help me and support me and help me stay accountable, however, I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I have a problem, so every time I rehearse what I want to say I can’t bring myself to say it out loud. I will definitely work on that for sure, because it’s very important not to do it alone….I’m really finding that to be true!

I am going to find some good tea and other things to sip on at night since it’s such a habit that I feel lost without it. I have discovered sleepy time tea and really love it! I’ve read many blogs where people drink NA wine, but I am just worried that will make me want the real stuff more. Thoughts on that anyone?

I do know I need to do this and I will keep restarting until I string more than 10 days together. I’ve said this before, but if anyone wants to join a private FB group and interact that way I formed a page called roxyworld. I do think that it will be helpful to have a group setting and help each other out on the tough days. It will be a safe place and I will be very careful about who I approve to join.

I so appreciate all the positive comments that I’ve gotten in the past few days. You guys don’t know how much that means to me and helps me.

So I’m pushing onward and will make the most of the days ahead of me.  I will put the days gone by way behind me and not dwell on the bad memories of bad decisions EXCEPT to remind me of what happens when I allow myself to even think for one second that I can have just a little. I CAN’T because I have no self control. Simple.as.that. Roxy has no self control when it comes to booze!

Take care all and let’s do this thing together! 💜

 

Well, shit…….

The words of Brittney Spears, “oops, I did it again” come readily to mind.

I’m not going to beat myself up about it, but I’m certainly disappointed that I let myself talk ME into, “just a little”. Ugh!

Here’s what went down. I’m sitting on the couch relaxing after another long, busy day at work, TOTALLY UNAWARE that I’m about to get turned upside down!

My husband was on the phone with his sister discussing the intricate and world changing events surrounding Christmas and WHEN we all would be celebrating it. We started to have Christmas dinner here at our house 3 or so years ago. We used to do Thanksgiving, but his sister has a 7 year old and she couldn’t give him every drop of her attention on Christmas Day because she was too busy preparing for company. I really didn’t care either way so now it’s here.

Anyhoo…..her oldest son works that day as does my son, who is a fireman, HOWEVER, my boys have a tradition with their dads family EVERY Christmas Eve since they were born so they won’t be able to be here Christmas Eve anyway, but his sister INSISTS it has to be Christmas Eve so her son and his girlfriend can be here. Again, whatever, we will figure it out.

So back to sitting here, minding my own beeswax…..I’m on FB and a message pops into my inbox. It’s my niece and she MESSAGES me on FB that my 1/2 sister had passed away just a couple hours ago. I’m like, WTF?? I was stunned into silence and told my husband, who was still on the phone with the President of Christmas, “Kerri died today”. He’s like, who’s Kerri? …then OH, jeez!

She is the oldest daughter of my dad and was 8 years older than me. We all grew up together, that is until my dad died when I was 9, then she kinda just dropped off my radar. I was only 9 and she was 17 so it wasn’t like we were ‘hang out’ buddies.

She came to my wedding reception when I was married the first time  (jeez, that sounds weird, however, only on my second and final marriage and 13 years in, things are great😄). We took a few pics of the 3 sisters (I have a full blooded sister as well), but once again, I really didn’t know her all that well. I think the last time I saw her was at my brothers funeral, which was her full blooded brother and that was 14 years ago. I’ve always thought of him as my brother and not 1/2 brother because he came to live with us when he was 13. His mother couldn’t handle him and sent him to my dad to straighten out and Mike and I were very close despite the fact that he was 7 years older than me. She lives in the same town as my sister, which is about 220 miles from here and we didn’t get over that way much. Anytime we saw her she would dredge up the past and talk about how “daddy” abandoned her for his new family (which he didn’t).

So, regardless of how well I knew her or not, she was still my relative and was only 57 and now was dead, along with my dad and brother. She had been fighting breast cancer, but I didn’t realize it was that bad.

i just kind of sat here stunned and thought I better call my mom before my niece messaged her or something. She had just found out from my sister and was pretty upset. I talked to her for a few minutes then all these weird thoughts rushed in, like, shouldn’t I be more sad, why do I feel nothing, oh wait, here it comes, I feel regretful that I’m not more sad, regretful that  didn’t know her better, sad that my dads daughter died (weird thought I know) and my brothers sister and now they were all together again. I dunno….just a bunch of thoughts. I decided to go take a bath and soak, but FIRST, I needed a drink. Ugh! I knew we had Bailey’s in the cupboard because I had been fantasizing about for the past 10 days so I poured a glass and headed for the tub where I totally broke down in private. I don’t know why I felt I couldn’t cry in front of my husband, but I just tried to hide it. I think I felt like a hypocrite since I didn’t really know her and he had only met her once. Anyway I had my Baileys and a good soak and went to bed.

Well, that was all it took, because I had a BOTTLE of wine on Friday and a BOTTLE of wine on Saturday and finished the Bailey’s yesterday. Guess I’ll be emptying out the Patron jar with my 10 hard earned crystals and start over 😖. My justification to myself (not that I need one do I?) is I was stressed, upset and overwhelmed. Things have been SUPER busy at the store, in addition to my real job and that is why I caved. It doesn’t matter the reason. I just need to put it behind me and move forward….again….

i really wasn’t avoiding coming here to write, but maybe I was. I’m a bit ashamed of my misstep, but it had been on my mind so much wondering if I could moderate, etc. turns out I can’t….unless a bottle a day is moderation! Lol

So back to day one….back to work. Thank goodness it’s only a 3 day week and Chriztmas is almost over. I am more in the spirit since wrapping yesterday and I am excited about the gifts I got the boys, brad and my parents so I’m looking forward to that. I love giving and they all appreciate me so I guess that’s all I need.

Here’s to day one….again!

oh, and I just remembered. One of my clients sent a bottle of peppermint schnapps to us on Friday so I had to sample that as well. It would have been rude not to right? 😉

“Back on track Roxy” is over and out.

xx

“No wonder I drink!”

How many times have I muttered that under my breath when my secretary is irritating me or my husband has not done something I asked or is irritating me…..etc, etc, etc…..I used to say that all the time right before I ran to get a drink to ‘calm down’. I can be a bit irritable at times and quick tempered and I THOUGHT drinking calmed that, but I can look back and see that that wasn’t really the case. It might have calmed me a bit immediately, but then it would make me more angry the more I drank and thought about all the irritating people in my life! LOL

What I’ve realized is that no one can irritate or annoy or ruin your day but YOU! Blaming our feelings on others and outside forces is just an excuse. No one has the power to make or break your day. It is how we REACT to the situation emotionally and intellectually that makes or breaks our day.

Yesterday my secretary (and pretty much every day) was in a bad mood and stomping around the office complaining about the Christmas music, social security, medicare, her workload…..pretty much everything about her entire life and I just smiled and turned the Christmas music up louder! LOL (Ain’t I a stinker! teehee)

One of my other employees is someone I can talk to to and commiserate with about the drama queen (DQ from here on out) and how miserable she seems.

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I bought this figure last week and put it up in a conspicuous spot in the office to make me smile and remember not to let her get to me.

Also, last night I FINALLY got a good, normal nights sleep and we had our grandson spend the night so it was a good night and we’ve had a fun morning so far! Now I gotta get to work and see how her mood is today, however, it doesn’t matter, because her mood doesn’t dictate my day.

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Our 2 year old grandson makes me happy!

Things are good and I can put another amethyst crystal in my jar to make it a GRAND TOTAL of 10 DAYS WITHOUT ANY ALCOHOL! Tonight is my husband’s Christmas party so I’m going to be strong throughout that. I need to tell him before we go that I’ve quit, although I think he’s already figured it out on his own. 🙂  Good job Roxy! lol

Take care all and hang in there….it does get better and if I can do it anyone can!! XXOO

Quick check in before I turn in!

I’ve been a bit lazy about writing the past few days. I have thought about it a few times and felt like I didn’t have much to say, except for the million thoughts that run through my mind daily. I’ve been keeping a list of things I want to write about and just need to do it!

i will say I’ve been VERY low on every the past several days and spent most of the day in bed Saturday. I work up with the WORST headache of my life at about 9:30 got up for an hour and went back to bed at 11 until about noon, got up again for a bit and ate and went back to bed at 3 and slept til 5. I must have needed rest, but the headache persisted all day. I felt much better yesterday, but still very tired. We got all our Christmas stuff up so now I feel more in the spirit a bit. My husbands work Christmas party is Wed. night and I’m a bit worried about it, but I think I’ll be fine. It’s basically just a dinner and pretty small group so I’ll just keep a low profile and get thru it.

I’m going to start researching addictive personalities and get out some books I’ve purchased over the past few years about addiction and ways to break those bad habits.

i am also goi g to study up on essential oils, herbs and other ways to reduce the addictive cravings,etc. I did find a herb called Kudzu (this is the one I’ve been taking) that is supposed to reduce cravings so I’ve been taking that the past few days as well and it seems to be helping.

I have found I am having some BIZARRE dreams that are very vivid and pretty violent so that’s weird, but maybe my brain is rebelling! Who knows, but Friday and Saturday night the dreams were doozers and I was all sweaty when I woke up and I could remember almost every detail.

I must also mention I quit taking my Ambien last Sunday night as well, so no booze AND no sleeping pills (yeah, I know…awesome combo I’ve been taking for a long time….I’m lucky to still be alive I think some days) so my body is mostly chemical free for the first time in a LONG time! It feels good though and I’m going to keep taking it one day at a time!

Well, it’s pretty late and I need to sleep so I can be productive tomorrow. I’ll be glad when Christmas is over. I’m not used to retail and being so busy his time of year. Lord knows what I was thinking when I opened the shop, but I still love it and Christmas is temporary and afterwards I can get back to the normal pace and not so many custom orders!

i have another new follower too….Holly….so welcome to Holly. I’m so glad you’re here with me! I’m here to help others, just as much as I need help myself. We are Ll in the same boat so let’s support each other I say! Night all..here’s to a night of good sleep without weird dreams!

I’m back up only 45 minutes later! I CANNOT get to sleep tonight! Here is something that is keeping me going too. My brain seems to be very disorganized and scattered anymore and I think a lot of it is that I have so much on my mind lately, but I’m sure it’s the booze too that has made it not so happy. Here is a great article that gives me lots of hope!

Just two weeks of sobriety from chronic alcohol abuse can reverse damage to the brain, according to a new study.  However, recovery may vary among different parts of the brain.  The findings may offer new hope to those in recovery from alcoholism, say authors of the study.   Further results will be published in the issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research on January 2013.

Gabriele Ende, a professor of medical physics in the Department of Neuro-Imaging at the Central Institute of Mental Health in Germany stated that, “Shrinkage of brain matter and an accompanying increase of cerebrospinal fluid, which acts as a cushion or buffer for the brain. This volume loss has previously been associated with neuropsychological deficits such as memory loss, concentration deficits and increased impulsivity.”

“Several processes likely account for changes in brain tissue volume observed through bouts of drinking and abstinence over the course of alcoholism,” added Natalie May Zahr, co-author of the study and research scientist at Stanford University School of Medicine in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioural Sciences. “One process likely reflects true, irreversible neuronal cell death, while another process likely reflects shrinkage, a mechanism that would allow for volume changes in both negative and positive directions, and could account for brain volume recovery with abstinence.”

The study examined 49 alcoholics from a residential rehab treatment program – 40 of them were men and nine women.  Ende and her colleagues completed this with 55 similar people who were not alcohol dependent.  All of the participants underwent a brain scan within 24 hours of detoxification and there was a second scan performed after two weeks of supervised sobriety.

“We found evidence for a rather rapid recovery of the brain from alcohol induced volume loss within the initial 14 days of abstinence,” noted Ende. “Although brain shrinkage as well as a partial recovery with continued abstinence has been elaborately described in previous studies, no previous study has looked at the brain immediately at the onset of alcohol withdrawal and short term recovery. Our study corroborates previous findings of brain volume reduction for certain brain regions.”

According to this study, drinkers had a volume reduction of the cerebellum during detoxification. “This has rarely been observed in other studies at later time points after alcohol withdrawal,” Ende illustrated. “Two weeks after detoxification, this cerebellum reduction was nearly completely ameliorated.” Recovery from chronic alcohol abuse was better in some parts of the brain than others.

“The function of the cerebellum is motor coordination and fine-tuning of motor skills,” said Ende. While the new study didn’t measure recovery of these skills, she said, “it is striking that there is an obvious improvement of motor skills soon after cessation of drinking, which is paralleled by our observation of a rapid volume recovery of the cerebellum.”

Ende also added, “Higher cognitive functions like divided attention, which are processed in specific cortical areas, take a longer time to recover and this seems to be mirrored in the observed slower recovery of brain volumes of these areas.”  The latest answers may have implications for alcohol treatment choices, suggested by the researchers.

Zahr noticed that many alcohol detox programs dealt with the acute withdrawal stage from alcohol, the first three days. “Based on this study and others, suggested that a minimum set of cognitive abilities is necessary to conquer alcohol addiction, clinicians should consider alcohol detox programs that provide support for the recovering alcoholic for a minimum of two weeks.”

Ende concurred with Zahr’s findings. “The ultimate goal of alcoholism treatment is the maintenance of abstinence,” she said. “To achieve this, the affected person needs to suppress their drinking urges and relearn to value other pleasures. Brain volume loss hinders this difficult process, so rapid volume gain is advantageous for the establishment of sober relearning.”

“This study offers recovering alcoholics a sense of hope,” expressed Zahr. “Hope that even within two weeks of abstinence, the recovering alcoholic should be able to observe improvements in brain functioning that may allow for better insight and thus ability to remain sober. Indeed, a minimal of brain healing may be necessary before the addict is able to achieve the control necessary to maintain continued abstinence.”

Going to an alcohol rehab centre that offers both an alcohol detox program in conjunction with residential treatment has a higher rate of success from alcohol addiction than going to a detox facility alone.  Detox alone is not enough for alcohol addiction recovery.  A detox facility is only equipped to address and help with the first three days of withdrawal.  Alcohol rehab centers like Searidge Foundation is equipped to help with both alcohol detox and addiction recovery all in the same place so you have no interruptions during your treatment.”

xx stay strong!

I found my magic wand!

 

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I ran across my magic wand this morning and was thinking while walking the dogs how nice it would be to just wave it and be ‘normal’…..whatever normal is! I also have my jar of crystals that we found this summer at Crystal Park. I CANNOT wait to go back!

I KNOW my husband would definitely tell me….even when I’m not drinking…..I’m FAR from normal, but that’s just me. I’m quirky, weird, silly, moody, happy, sad, irrational and a WHOLE GIANT list of other things, but that is what makes me ME. I also have my dried lavender from my plants this summer. They did so well surviving their first Montana winter and came back bigger and better, which is exactly what I will be doing next summer….hopefully not bigger, but definitely better! HA

Today seems good so far, not nearly as emotional as I was yesterday morning for sure! That was weird, but it’s all new to me so I guess I’m going to experience some weirdness for awhile. I have to adjust to a new normal and I’m looking forward to it.

I almost told my husband this morning, but still haven’t. I figured out on my walk that it is fear of failure that is preventing me from telling him…SO that tells me that I NEED to tell him to stay accountable. He is usually very supportive so I think he definitely will be in this case, but I don’t want to be….I was going to say harassed…then I was going to say berated….not sure of the word, but he can be a bit harsh when it comes to drinking to excess. He will say ‘oh he’s a drunk’ or things like that and I just cringe when he says that because that’s exactly what I am…and I’m his wife!

I am the daughter, granddaughter and sister two times over (my brother who is deceased and sister are/were also alcoholics) of alcoholics and my grandfather (dad’s dad), dad and brother all committed suicide while they were drunk so that’s ALWAYS on my mind. I’ve thought about it MANY times, but I could never put my kids or my mom through that again. It’s a family legacy that you never want to have. My dad committed suicide when I was 9 and I’ll never forget that night as long as I live. I had a basketball game that night and saw my dad at the doorway of the gym while I was playing. He waved at me, but didn’t come in because he must have been drunk. When I got home they started fighting and I went to take a bath. I heard the fighting getting worse in the living room (only 10 feet from the bathroom) and threw on my robe and came out to try to intervene….at 9….along with my sister who was 13, but my dad was out of control and pushed us both away. I can’t clearly remember what he was doing to my mom, but it wasn’t good. He wasn’t hitting her, but he was grabbing her arms. My mom got away from him and told us to get in the car. We always went to my grandparents house when they fought like that so we ran out to the car and she grabbed the keys and followed. While she was trying to back out of the garage he jumped onto the hood of the car and was trying to stop her, then he acted like he was going to smash his boot through the windshield. She begged him to just let us to and he eventually did. We went to my grandparents (me STILL in my bathrobe) and were consoled, etc. The phone rang and my grandma answered it and then handed it to my mom. She broke down and just grabbed both of us and hugged us close. I didn’t really know at the time, or really understand, what happened, but she said my dad had killed himself in the garage. I can ALMOST write all of this without tearing up, but I am tearing up now. It’s been 40 years now! YES 40—now you know how old I am….and it still gets me. My dad had a son from a previous marriage and he had come to live with us at 15 and he had taken off when my parents started fighting and we couldn’t find him to take him with us to my grandparents. He came back to the house and found my dad, dead, in the garage. That scarred him for life, obviously, and he was haunted by that up until the day he took his own life…..on the 25th anniversary of my dads death. My brother would call me drunk in the middle of the night when we were adults and would ramble about that night and the images and the pain he could never escape and I would listen and try to talk him through it as best as I could. I REALLY LOVED my brother a lot, but he lived in a different town and I didn’t get to see him much. He tried to quit drinking many times and failed. His wife had asked for a divorce and they were separated so he decided to pay tribute to my dad in some gruesome way and killed himself 25 years later to the day. My oldest son was EXACTLY THE SAME AGE I WAS when my dad killed himself…9 years old…..and my youngest was 6.

Writing all this is hard, but it is my life story and I can’t change it. I know my dad’s dad drown himself in the river while he was drunk and I’ve always heard it was intentional, although it was never proven that way. So three suicides in my immediate family history is nothing to take lightly. Alcohol was a main factor in all three deaths so I didn’t want to be the 4th someday.

Anyhoo….I am going to go shower and head into the shop and have a GREAT day! My secretary is off today and tomorrow so it’ll be blissful silence for me for 2 whole days! I hate to be that way, but I do get so irritated with her. I’m REALLY working on that and trying to be more empathetic and understanding, but as they say, the definition of insanity is WHAT people?…Say it with me…..DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT. That is the definition of drinking and also the definition of enabling weak behavior (which is what she does with her deadbeat husband).

I’m also going to promptly put my 3rd amethyst crystal in my Patron bottle and make a cool label for it that only I know the meaning of. 😉 Have a great day everyone…or I guess I should say Millie for now!! If you want to read a GREAT blog head over to my friend Millie’s blog She is further down the road, MY FIRST FOLLOWER (thanks Millie!) and reading her blog has really helped me understand what I’m in for and what I’m going through.

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